


Boys

by russianhousedj



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: AU, Cheating, Dating, Domestic, F/M, M/M, Noncommittal!Ross, Oneshot, Ordinary Job, Slight NSFW stuff but no actual smut, Swearing, commitment issues, i'm having difficulty finding tags, it's a very general fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 18:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7811869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/russianhousedj/pseuds/russianhousedj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ross can't seem to keep a boyfriend.</p><p>The worst part about it is that he doesn't even think anything's wrong with it. Sometimes there are hardly even days between dates or hookups, mere hours before the next one's in and the last one's out, and Ross can't seem to wrap his head around why everyone thinks it's so bad. Maybe one day he'll just stop and settle with the fact that he can't commit. But that day isn't today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boys

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so, 75% of this is a little silly and not meant to be taken seriously; a little on the verge of a crack!fic, i'd say. but this shit is 18k+ words and i've worked too long and hard on it to deem it a crack!fic so, that's not what we're calling it.
> 
> there are a lot of pairings in this, like, ross is paired with everyone and their mum, almost. but don't worry, it's eventual rubberdoop :)
> 
> comments/feedback/whatever are valued and treasured and cherished by yours truly

Arin and Jack share a look as Ross walks out of the bathroom, cheeks flushed, hair a mess. He's completely flustered, slightly out of breath. They brace themselves for what they're sure is to come next.

"I really thought this one would be alright." Ross sighs as he slides back into the booth, taking a sip of water to calm himself down. The two friends don't even question what the hell the boy's talking about, because at this point, it's seemingly _all_ they talk about. 

Ross can't seem to keep a boyfriend.

It's ridiculous- the boys come and go so quickly that Arin wonders why he even bothers trying to pull anyone anymore. Jack has thought that too, but now instead of trying to talk some sense into his friend, he just plays right along. It's easier this way, he's realized, to just listen as Ross whines about another boy he's had to break up with instead of trying to intervene. It's usually actually quite funny, anyway. The worst part about it is that Ross doesn't even think anything's wrong with it. Sometimes there are hardly even days between dates or hookups, mere hours before the next one's in and the last one's out, and Ross can't seem to wrap his head around why everyone thinks it's so bad. Maybe one day he'll just stop and settle with the fact that he can't commit. But that day isn't today.

"So what's wrong with this one, then?" Arin tries not to grumble, but it's hard not to be a little pissed when he finds Ross sitting in front of him _again_ , griping about _another_ "bad relationship". They're out to eat to celebrate Arin's small promotion at work- for _Arin_ , not Ross. But apparently Ross just can’t go for more than two minutes without being the center of attention. It totally isn't intentional- he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. But still, it's fucking annoying. Their fun little Friday night outing has turned into yet another session of "Relationship Advice With Ross." Even though he never really takes their advice.

Ross's shoulders shrug as he stares down into his drink, shaking his head distractedly. This has to be the worst bit of it; when he actually acts like he's upset about another loss.

"I don't know, man, I- we were doing fine, right? His name is Mark. He came over and we had frozen pizza together and that's like, perfect. I'm all up for frozen pizza and a cute movie night but what I'm _not_ up for, is him having his hands on me all night."

Jack snorts, near choking on his soda as he covers his mouth. Arin stares at him, thoroughly unamused while Ross just carries on like he isn't even bothered that Jack is laughing at him. Mainly because he doesn't realize anything is funny. But seriously? Ross has to be the most ridiculous guy in the world because is he _really_ trying to tell his friends that he's ready to break up with a guy... because of too much sex? It’s stupid, but Jack has to give the boy some props, because he’s always very creative when finding a reason to call it off.

"You've got to be kidding me," Jack says once he's finished nearly dying. He's still smirking and Arin's still pissed, but Ross is in his own world.

"It's true! He wouldn't stop touching me during the movie and that's sort of fine, I guess. I mean, I gave in eventually because this guy is fuckin' _hot_ , Jack. But, when I was all tired and shit afterward, he tried making me go for round two." Ross's expression is glum and Jack's close to laughing again because it's all way too dramatic. But that's the way Ross sees things, like he's in his own shitty rom-com and everything has to be dramatic and meaningful and... Ross.

"And did you?" Arin takes a break from eating his feelings away in the corner to question, because he won't admit it, but even after so many of the same types of stories, he's still curious. Ross will drag him into the conversation eventually anyway, so he may as well get a word in now.

"Well... yeah, I did. But dude, you have to see the problem here. After that, I made him go home, said I was tired because, shit, I _was_. But now he's been talking to me all day, sending me these seriously disgusting texts and pictures of himself naked and guess what? He called me on his lunch break and made me get off with him on the phone while I was at work."

"Phone sex? That's so nineties." Jack remarks, smiling smugly to himself.

"He _made_ you?" Arin raises an eyebrow, disbelieving. And rightfully so.

"Well, no, not exactly, I guess. I did want to do it. I mean, I'd tell him to fuck off if I really didn't want to hear him yell my name down the phone."

The waitress swings by their table to pick up their empty plates, somehow easily swiping away the basket of fries from in front of Arin. Jack's impressed, because since he decided to start pouting at his own celebration dinner, he's been guarding his food like a rabid wolf. Binge eating seems to be the only thing keeping him sane at this point, stuffing his face as Ross keeps on. Jack giggles a little at the way Arin glares after their waitress, and Ross would have laughed too, had he not still been having a relationship crisis.

He’s back to staring moodily into his half-full glass of water, waiting for his friends to carry the conversation along. Because he’s _never_ been one to tell a fully detailed story about his relationship to his two ever-single friends if they didn’t really want to hear it, of course not. Arin’s staring at the waitress with his pout still etched on his face, giving her what he thinks is a nasty look as she smiles and hands them the bill. Jack wants to tell him he just looks like a mix between a creepy stalker and a pouting child, which is a horrible combination. Ross is still waiting for the spotlight to be back on him.

“So, what’s the fucking problem?” Jack laughs a bit incredulously, throwing his hands up because he doesn’t get it, but he’s never gotten the way Ross’s mind works.

“The _problem_ , Jack, is that he’s… he’s just too fucking hot, okay?”

And if Arin wasn’t angry for no good reason at all before, he definitely is now, and jealous too. It’s a well-known fact that Ross can pull literally anyone he wants, a lot of times without even trying. And even with that just stupidly perfect charm of his and natural-born talent of picking up dudes, he _still_ manages to find something to complain about. And push people away. And break up with perfectly decent- _more_ than decent guys, because… they’re too hot? It’s truly irritation at it’s finest, worming its way into Arin’s Friday night. Though it always finds a way in at some point, if Ross is around. Arin loves him, sure, but he seriously thinks this is getting out of hand.

Arin has been single for three years by now, and the very last thing he would do is push someone away because they’re “too hot.” Honestly, his last relationship was a bust because the girl had tried making him go on an all-liquids diet with him only two weeks in. Who the fuck even does that? He would've gladly traded that girl and her weird voice for a bit of phone sex if he had the choice.

The waitress takes Arin’s passive-aggressive glaring as some sort of compliment or turn-on or something, because when she comes back with Jack's card she’s totally staring right back at him. Except now he’s sulking and just staring at a crack in the table with a less than impressive frown hanging on his lips. Ross is still just lost in his thoughts, not paying attention to anything, so Jack seems to be the only one that notices it. He has to shake his head at the rather nice looking girl apologetically, turning her down on Arin’s behalf with a shrug of his shoulders because he doesn’t really have an explanation. Sometimes, he thinks it’s rather tough being the only sane one in the group.

“That’s a new one.” Jack hums as he slips his jacket on, shaking Arin’s shoulder as he slides out of the booth to let him know that yes, they’re leaving, and no, he can’t just sit in some shitty restaurant all night long to avoid Ross’s ramblings. The temptation to let him stay is strong, but like a good friend, Jack lets the urge pass and fishes his keys from his pocket, continuing his silent-hero work of looking after his two idiot friends.

“Dude, no, you just don’t get it okay? I know it sounds kind of dumb, but it’s true. He’s just so… fuck, every time I even just _think_ of him, I start getting like, hot and bothered or whatever. Can you imagine what it’s like _all_ fucking day while he’s sending me dick pics and dirty texts and making me stroke one out with him at work?”

Arin huffs and slams his door shut once they make it to the car, staring out the window solemnly because that’s just what he does. He's pissed that his Friday night went somewhat to shit. He wants Ross to just _stop talking_ , and, he doesn’t even get to have a take-out box to bring the remainder of his promotion fries home, thanks to that bitch of a waitress.

“Well, no, I actually _don’t_ know what that’s like. I apologize for ever doubting your struggles and invalidating your hardships.” Jack sighs, nearly bored of the conversation now that the gossip has all but run dry. They’re all buckled in soon enough and he’s pulling out of the parking lot, ready to drop his two man-children off at their respective places and for the night to finally be over. Though, he knows this whole episode will repeat itself in a week’s time at the very least.

“Thank you. It’s just too much to handle. I don’t know if I can keep this up, constantly having a boner whether he’s with me or not. God, you don’t even want to know what went down in that restaurant bathroom.”

The car goes pretty silent at that, save for the normal car hummings as they travel down the road. Jack catches Arin’s eye in the rearview mirror and they share a look, both mutually disturbed. Not that they haven’t heard of this kind of thing from Ross before, it’s just that they aren't really in the mood for it now. Arin yawns, resting his forehead on the cold window as his eyes sort of just involuntarily slip shut. It’s bumpy, and his street’s only about ten minutes away, but Ross always manages to tire him out way too easily, with a shit ton of petty problems that he has to listen to whether he wants to or not. He mumbles his response, with a sleepy sort of tone, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Then just break up with him.”

It’s the first thing he’s said that Ross has actually paid attention to all night.

\--

“So, Mark and I are no longer,” Ross states solemnly to his friends as he sits down on a bench in the mall. They’re waiting for Arin to get off work, his shift ending in the next fifteen minutes or so. None of them are really sure when; they don't really care, sort of just use his job at Orange Julius as an excuse to always go to the mall. Though, it’s a bad habit, because they’re all horrible at managing money, and being tempted by plenty of meaningless yet expensive shit just isn’t good for their souls. Or their credit card statements.

Kevin looks over at Jack in question, quirking an eyebrow and asking everything he wants to know without any words. See, Kevin is fairly new to their little group, so before the meetup Jack had tried easing him into Ross’s dating habits, a rushed little spiel on the drive over before picking Ross up. He sort of got it, though really thought Jack was over-exaggerating. Except he’s not, and just a few months time will show him that it really is as bad as Jack had made it out to be- Ross doesn't know what the hell he wants.

He nods at the guy with a roll of his eyes, silently explaining that yes, this is just the beginning of what he was talking about. And that no, Kevin shouldn’t ask too many questions or make fun because whenever Ross is in one of his, “But I _really_ liked this one” moods, he’s not always up for jokes. Luckily, Kevin nods back and agrees without a hitch. Hopefully, it’ll be just as easy for him to play along later down the road when Ross is four more boyfriends down the line and still hasn’t been able to stick with one and let this whole relationship business be.

“I’m sorry, bro. How’d he take it?” Jack asks, his sympathy actually sounding genuine and the look on his face seemingly sincere. He’ll have to teach Kevin some of his techniques later, because practice has made his whole “pretending to care” act really quite perfect. It’s not that he doesn’t actually care, because if Ross were _really_ upset, he’d be on it in a heartbeat, buying the boy ice cream and really shitty action movies on DVD because that’s just how nice he is.

But Ross hasn’t been properly sad about a breakup since… well, since ever, because he’s always the one _doing_ the dumping. And even if he were to finally be broken up with for once, Jack's sure his heart would still be intact. Ross’s relationships can hardly even qualify as relationships. He doesn’t get too attached or emotional or into it with feelings, no matter how many times he’s sworn to Arin’s countless eye rolls that he really _does_. It’s not on purpose or anything- unbeknownst to him, Ross just isn’t into commitment. And apparently, commitment isn’t into him.

“Well, I didn’t tell him _why_ I was doing it exactly, just made up some excuse about not having time for a relationship. Which I guess is kind of true, I don’t really. But he seemed to take it fairly well, we made out for a long while afterwards-,”

“Ross! You can’t just make out with someone you just broke up with!”

“Dude, no, it was totally fine, Mark said it was just casual, and if anything, it was our last chance to do it before things get awkward when we meet up again someday on the streets and try having a quickie in a public restroom.”

Kevin looks taken aback by his friend’s openness but smiles anyway because it’s sort of ridiculous and sort of funny. Ross still carries on without a care, finding absolutely no fault in any of his actions, unable to see the harm in grinding on a fresh ex for a couple hours right after you’ve called it off. But whatever, neither of them tries explaining why it’s not really sane, and instead just try consoling Ross with promises of feel-better smoothies. Which they’re totally going to buy with Arin’s employee discount, because they really and truly are good friends with him and do _not_ only stick around to use his job benefits and make fun of his work uniform.

Arin seems less than impressed by their choice of conversation topic once he's finally off the clock and joins the party. He's already stressed from work and quite irritated to know that he can't ever just have a good hang out with his friends, that it always has to be filled with _feelings_ and _drama_ and everything Ross always insists on bringing to the table. Since when did they all become a bunch of fucking chicks, talking about boys and _relationships_ and shit all the time? Kevin chuckles at the grumpy expression and demeanor he harbors throughout the entire date, barely sipping at his free shit from work because he isn't thirsty; he just wants Ross to shut up for once. Or just have _someone_ ask how his own day went. 

He eventually decides to mumble that he's leaving and storms out of the mall, only mere minutes before Ross finally quits talking about Mark. But it's best he left when he did, because Ross gave up on Mark in favor of flirting with the guy behind the counter that'd just taken over Arin's shift.

\--

Later into the month, Ross has unsurprisingly snagged yet another unsuspecting victim of his charm, ready to string them along until he eventually digs up some strange flaw and uses it as a reason to break up. Kevin thinks they look cute together while Jack rolls his eyes at how he's still so inexperienced in Ross's World of Relationships. Thinking they make a good couple as if they'll actually last? That's stupid, amateur even. 

They all thought it best to not let Arin know that it's his co-worker Ryan that Ross had managed to steal the heart of this time. Jack isn't sure why, but he knows it'll piss him off and the last thing he needs is another hissy fit from that boy.

They're just finishing up a little ice cream date; pretty casual, since Kevin and Jack are there with them, and it seems to be going pretty nicely. Ryan was super sweet and paid for Ross's ice cream, not getting any of his own because apparently he's on some kind of diet. It's not much of a surprise, though, when Ross managed to get to him, smearing ice cream on his nose to break the ice and by the end of the date, they're spooning stuff into each other's mouths and giggling like teenagers. Kevin still thinks they're cute. Jack still thinks he's stupid for thinking that.

It's not their first date, maybe the fourth or so, so the pair spends a short while with their lips pressed together as Ryan's getting up to leave, both completely apathetic about the fact that yes, there are people watching and yeah, some of them are kids. No one says anything though, and the two have their fun before Ryan is saying, "I really gotta go." Ross smiles softly at him and waves a little at him through the window of his car before Ryan is driving off.

Kevin’s smirking when Ross comes back to sit at the picnic table just outside the ice cream place, hardly noticing the way Ross slumps down underneath the umbrella with a sigh. He thinks that date went great, the two boys looked pretty damn happy if he says so himself. Really, he just wants to prove Jack wrong, that no one can _actually_ be noncommittal. Jack, however, is just one step ahead.

"So what is it this time?" He questions, shaking his head already before this whole thing starts again. Kevin looks at him confusedly, clearly having no idea what he's on about. But the questioning look just earns him a knowing smirk in return. And then Ross opens his mouth.

"It's the kissing," Ross states simply, shrugging his shoulders and frowning like he came to terms with this long ago. Like maybe a month or so ago when it started. This has been one of the longer ones actually, and Jack feels a bit like a proud mom that's happy to see her son moving up in the world. He guesses Ross breaking up with someone over just "kissing" isn't something to be proud of but... still. Once they're done with inevitably telling Ross to just get it over and done with, he'll have to remember to tell him good job on letting one stick around for longer than usual.

"So... you don't like kissing?" Kevin asks, obviously trying to understand Ross a little more, since he's having some trouble. Both Jack and Ross laugh at his question, though, shaking their heads because he definitely has so much to learn.

"No, dude, Ross fucking loves kissing," Jack assures him. It's kind of weird that he answers before Ross himself even does, but it's true. Usually, Ross loves kissing. He kisses on the first date because he's not exactly world-renowned for being "patient." And he just wants it, okay? He likes the feeling of nice, soft lips being pressed to his own, likes it slow and gentle, or feverish and frantic as their clothes fall to the floor. Needless to say, he finds it to be an important factor in a relationship, little kisses being the glue that holds them together.

"When he's not doing it, he's talking about how he wants someone to kiss. It's kinda weird, especially since he tells us every detail of it, but yeah. When he dies he'll probably still be making out in hell."

"Hey!"

"Well, it's true."

Ross nods in defeat, shrugging again because yeah, it is true. The kissing bit especially, but also the fact that he's going right down under once he passes. Breaking up with so many guys wouldn't exactly get most people to be recognized as a saint. In the back of his mind Jack wonders if there's a world record for most relationships had in a year. Or ten years- this behavior isn't exactly new.

"Okay, well good to know. But, I still don't get it. If you like kissing, what's the problem?"

"Yeah, actually, what's going on? You two looked like you were enjoying eating each other's faces just before he left. And when he showed up. And the whole fucking day."

"It's just... he's not bad at it, he just...." Ross makes a sort of whining noise like he can't say it, doesn't know how to get his words out. Maybe he hasn't come to terms with this as easily as Jack originally thought. After all, he did look pretty content sharing spoonfuls of chocolate ice cream with this new Ryan character. And it sucks to know Ryan will be gone soon, because he's actually been growing on Jack.

Some bees start flying around their ice cream cups, and Ross squeaks, being pulled from his train of thought as he jumps out of his seat. It's kinda cute actually; or, it would be cute, if Ross weren't a fully grown man that's shrieking over a couple bugs. Jack gathers their trash from the table and tosses it, after unlocking the car so Ross can scramble into the passenger seat in his slight panic, and gives Kevin some sort of apologetic look because they both definitely hadn't been done with their food. It's common knowledge, though, that when Ross is around, everything sort of just completely revolves around him. It's not his fault, just this feeling that he gives everyone, super likeable and friendly and all of a sudden you just find yourself wanting to please him. A blessed curse he doesn’t even know he possesses.

"Fuck bees." The boy grumbles as his friends slide into the car a few seconds later, buckling his seatbelt and pushing hair out of his face huffily.

“Okay well, yeah, but the question still remains- are you gonna fuck Ryan?”

“I don’t think so. He’s great, and it’s nice that he wants to kiss all the time… it’s just- he’s got this habit, see, where he bites his lip all the time. And maybe that’s normal or something, but his lips are already dry and chapped and it makes it… icky.”

Kevin laughs from the back, making Jack sort of confused for a second because he’s totally not used to laughter coming from the backseat. Sometimes Arin will giggle a bit back there, but it's rare and he tries to hide it, like he’s proud of being an asshole and ashamed of having fun with his friends. Most of the time it’s all just sighs and groans from back there, and Jack has to admit it’s a nice change with the smiley Kevin. Though he does miss Arin; maybe, next time when Ross isn’t in the car, he’ll let him control the radio. Because Ross always has shotgun, and therefore is always in charge of the radio. Not that anyone has complained about it thus far, though- well, anyone besides Arin.

“Icky?” Jack muses, tapping his thumbs a bit on the steering wheel as he pulls out of the car park.

“Yeah man, like… lips like those are just no good to kiss. I can’t handle it, and you _know_ how much I like kissing.”

“Why not just buy him a thing of chapstick so he can take the hint?” Kevin suggests, but Ross is already shaking his head.

“I just can’t, I feel like it would be sort of rude to call him out on it.” Ross takes on this sort of disappointed expression as he probably thinks about how his next meet up with Ryan will go. Not very well, if this whole conversation has done anything to enlighten him and push him towards a decision.

Ten minutes later, the car comes to a stop outside Ross’s apartment complex, and by now Kevin doesn’t even question why Jack always seems to be the chauffeur, carting them all over town without any thank-you’s thrown his way. He’s learned by now to not ask _why_ , but to just go along with it. They have their little things that they’re used to and just work with as friends, and if that’s the way they like it, then so be it.

Ross seems to come to a reluctant conclusion as he slips from the passenger seat, running a hand through his hair and turning to face Jack before walking up the concrete stairs. He shrugs, giving Kevin a little wave before he’s off.

“I’ll hate to see how he takes the news.”

\--

Things are awkward. The boys are discussing their sex lives- positions, lube brands, you name it. Kevin's thankful that they're at least not in public, rather in Arin's basement as they chat about how they get it on, but still. It's weird. He's never had people that actually did this kind of thing around him and it's strange and uncomfortable and he feels more awkward than he probably should.

It's only after a good half hour or so of sitting tensely on the couch that he gets some relief, a new topic catching his interest that thankfully has nothing to do with how wet Arin likes his dick and how often Ross fingers himself at home. Seriously, did these guys have any dignity at all?

"Holy shit! You can't be fucking serious-," Jack takes a moment to wheeze out a rather unhealthy sounding laugh, but the other boys don't mention it so Kevin guesses it's normal.

"It's not funny! When I asked him out on a date I didn't know he would be like that!"

He seems to have tuned in a little too late, because he doesn't have any idea what they're now talking about, though it sounds interesting. More interesting than oral sex tips and the weirdest places they've gotten head, anyway.

"Can I ask what it is exactly that Jack is almost dying over?" Kevin asks, shooting a semi-concerned look towards his friend as the guy catches his breath, a hand pressed against his chest.

"Ross went out with a Mormon!"

"He wasn't a fucking Mormon, alright?"

"Dude, did he have Mormon underwear on?" 

Arin cackles out his own odd laugh, high-fiving Jack as they wheeze together now. Kevin has to remember to tell them they should probably both see a doctor.

Ross looks like he wants to be mad at them for laughing at his misfortune, but as he crosses his arms over his chest and brings his feet up on the couch, it's plain to see that he's holding back his own smile. Because apparently something's really funny.

"I don't get what the big deal is. Do you guys have a problem with religion or something…?" Kevin admits, raising an eyebrow at the other guys in hopes of getting an answer. He doesn’t want to be _that_ guy, but if his friends are really so negative towards faith and other people’s beliefs, they’re much bigger dicks than he thought they were. He’ll still hang around them of course, but a little enlightenment never hurt anybody.

"Okay, like- there's nothing wrong with being a Mormon, I guess if you're into that sort of thing-"

"He wasn't a goddamn Mormon, okay? He said he was just a regular Christian."

"Yeah, okay whatever. That's all fine and stuff, but to date someone that's all about morals and all that shit if you aren't the same way? Fucking nightmare."

Jack gets up to go use the bathroom, though Kevin thinks that he's really going to hack his lungs out into the sink. At least, that's what it sounds like.

Ross scrubs a hand across his face, still seemingly having a hard time keeping it together. "It's just that, when I tried fucking him, he.... he said he's waiting till marriage."

Arin lets out another short burst of a laugh, shaking his head and suddenly looking around the room, probably wondering where Jack slunk off to unseen.

"Wait, what? When did this happen? Since when were you even going out with someone new?" Kevin seems surprised, because, hello, the whole "Ryan and his crusty lips" incident had happened only a couple weeks or so ago. Arin rolls his eyes, though, because Kevin's obviously not acquainted with Ross well enough to know that this a very normal occurrence. He moves on from boys quick as fuck because there's never really anything to even move on from. Kevin will just have to get used to it.

"Like last week, Thursday, I think."

"You were only dating him for a week and you tried fucking him?"

"Well... yeah? It's been a little while, okay, usually I wait till further into the relationship but I thought he would be fine with it. He seemed pretty into me."

"Hey, Ross, maybe he _was_ into you. But God comes first." Jack says a little too seriously, walking back into the room. A smirk spreads across his face when he hears Arin giggle a little at his remark, grinning proudly.

"It's not even just his religion! I'm not _that_ much of an asshole. I invited this guy Vernon over earlier in the week, too, and he brought fucking cupcakes. That he home baked. Like some mom at a PTA meeting. And when I went to his place, he had a collection of those reusable grocery bags in his kitchen. Also, he’s super into bike riding? It's like I'm dating some weird middle-aged soccer mom that drinks wine with her girlfriends on the weekends. He’s so into morals and all that shit, but I just want a good fuck."

And okay, that was sort of the last straw, because Kevin's laughing now too. He feels sort of guilty, because this kid just sounds so innocent and adorable. Seriously, bicycles and cupcakes? That's fucking cute; if someone brought Kevin cupcakes for no reason at all he wouldn't really be complaining. But the PTA remark got to him and soon enough they're all just rolling around in Arin's basement, unable to remember why they're laughing in the first place and now just staying caught up in the moment. If Kevin's honest, he's pretty sure he and Ross are mainly all worked up over Jack's relentless wheezing.

Just then the doorbell rings upstairs, and Arin quiets immediately, snapping his eyes open and giving his friends a rather strange, frantic sort of look.

"Alright, show's over, you guys gotta go." He blurts, suddenly sounding a bit nervous. Fortunately, no one bothers to put up a fight, allowing themselves to be ushered up the stairs and towards the front door by a rather impatient Arin. It's when Jack throws the door open that everything falls into place, his odd behavior explained.

A girl is standing on his front step, her head lifting from staring at the ground and beaming confusedly at the group of boys she finds in front of her. Jack holds back a laugh because Arin must be freaking out, and all only because he sucks at time management. Seriously, though, his first date in who knows how long, and he forgot when it was supposed to happen? Really, Arin?

Apparently the chick isn't too thrilled to find out that their date night is actually going to be a giant sausage fest, offering an uneasy smile to the group as she toys with her shoulder length blonde hair. "Sorry, I um... I didn't know you already had people over, I'll just-," She begins to leave, turning to head back toward her car, but Arin is quick to have her stay, voice a bit panicked as he shoves his friends out the door.

"Hey, Charlotte, wait! No, no it's fine, th-the boys were all just leaving." 

Before they know it, the new girl Charlotte is inside Arin's house and the door is slammed in their faces. Jack can't stop fucking smiling, not only because it was funny to watch his friend make a fool of himself, but because that weird proud mom feeling is back and yeah, he sort of can't fucking believe that Arin actually has a date. Once all the hype and commotion dies down he'll probably feel weird about how he feels like "his little man is growing up," but for now, he'll just accept it and drive his friends home.

"So... that was different." Ross states, eyebrows raised, looking back at Kevin in the backseat for confirmation. He gets a nod and a shrug in return, because yeah, seeing Arin with an actual real life girl isn't something they see every day. Or... ever, really.

Jack just keeps his grin wide, driving them down the highway to get home. Yeah, it's totally weird that Arin's got a date, and had to kick them out like that so suddenly. But they're all just glad that maybe now Arin won't keep acting like he's got a fucking stick up his ass all the time.

\--

Well, the stick up Arin's ass seems to have all but vanished. But it's most likely only because now, he's too busy crying to be bothered bitching to any living soul that’ll listen.

None of them are really sure what happened. They decide not to question him any further after they asked how it went with Charlotte, and he just wiped at his suspiciously red eyes and shoved a load of cheesecake into his mouth. While Arin went to the "bathroom" (the kitchen, for more cheesecake) they all placed bets on what exactly went down with Charlotte after they left. Empty bets, though, because they're all broke as fuck, whether they get Arin's Orange Julius discounts or not.

Kevin suggests he tried making her watch weird anime as a romantic pastime. Jack thinks it was because he started cracking jokes about her appearance, (a horrible nervous habit of his) while a grinning Ross suspects he'd tried serving her squirrel for dinner, one that he ran over with his car. They both try reasoning with Ross by letting him know Arin would never give the girl road kill, or eat a squirrel in general. He doesn’t even have a car to kill it with. They stop discussing it once Arin comes back, though, and Ross whispers to Jack a little later to point out their friend eyeing a squirrel in his front lawn out the window, grinning stupidly. Jack rolls his eyes and wonders why he keeps the stupid guy around.

After a full episode of America’s Next Top Model, Arin finally puts his fork down, and the boys jump at the opportunity to finally obtain some information about why he's eating his feelings and why the hell he's watching _any_ show with Tyra Banks.

"Ar, bud, you wanna talk?" Jack asks, sort of hesitant and sounding like some below-average middle-school guidance counselor. Though, he's really trying his best, because this whole thing is sort of insane and he's a little worried. Cheesecake is Arin's comfort food that's only used in case of emergency.

When a shrug of the shoulders and a distracted shake of the head is what they get in response, Jack and Ross start to mildly freak out. Because, holy shit, even three slices of cheesecake didn't cure his sudden and mysterious depression. But then they breathe out a sigh of relief just as Arin takes a big breath in, finally ready to spill to his eagerly awaiting friends.

"I didn't think she was such a fucking bitch when I met her, you know?"

"Well, what'd she do?" Kevin asks with genuine curiosity. It's not like Arin's always bouncing off the walls and in a great mood, but this is a pretty extreme change of character.

"She just completely fucked me over! I mean, okay, it's not like I haven't been rejected before, but those girls usually only made me feel like shit after they'd told me they didn't want to date me, not before, during, _and_ after as they fuckin'... fuckin’ judge my life and shit."

The three share a look together, all practically feeling the anger radiating off of him. And it just sucks even more to know that they saw him earlier, stuffing his face to feel better, with tear tracks down his face and messy hair. He's not even just mad with the girl, he's upset, was genuinely affected by her words and took them to heart. No one has the balls to say anything more, letting the upset Arin take things at his own pace. They all stare at him as if to show they're listening, definitely not wanting to cross him when he's so worked up.

"And it's like... she could have just said it nicely, but she fucking didn't. Just decided to point out everything that's wrong with me and then take her stuff and go, when she could've just shut the fuck up and said she didn't want another date. I mean, she was right about most stuff, but... you just don't _do_ that to someone."

Arin goes on to explain his night in a now softer voice, seemingly exhausted and overwhelmed by the ridiculous ordeal. Apparently, he'd let it slip that he works in the mall and that Jack is the one that drives him where he needs to go because he's without a car. And most people wouldn’t give a shit, but it seems that Arin just has horrible luck with dates. He claims she continued to drop subtle hints the whole night that she didn’t approve of his just above minimum wage job and was definitely making cracks about how he couldn’t even afford his own car and how annoyed his friends must be with him that he was always mooching rides. Jack wasn’t fucking annoyed, okay, not as far as he knew. Plus, he liked to think it was good that they were all always piled in Jack’s car together. It made them become closer as friends by spending so much time together. But he didn’t tell her that.

After an hour or so of just enduring it, Arin finally snapped. He called the bitch out on her pretentious and fucking _irritating_ attitude, and then, Charlotte wasn’t so nice anymore. They argued a little; maturely, of course, mostly about Arin’s self-worth. She couldn’t seem to help but think that money was all that made a guy a good person, and apparently a good date. She’d grabbed her overly-expensive clutch and shown herself out, muttering about how “every guy is a fucking loser these days” as she shut the door behind her. And Arin’s just been left in the aftermath, sitting on his couch ever since, trying to keep his mind off things until his friends showed up. It’s definitely one in the morning and Kevin had even been close to sleeping, but with how seldom an “emergency” arises, they all know it’s their jobs as faithful friends to just suck it up and come to the rescue.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jack says, eyebrow raised, looking half like he wants to go find this girl and knock (talk) some sense into her while still looking just the same as Arin does. Upset and ticked off and really, just fucking confused. He’d never met someone like that before and hates that the one out of the four of them with maybe the lowest self-esteem and relationship issues was the one that this all had to happen to. Kevin looks the same way, offering a sympathetic smile to the boy in the middle of the couch. Ross is eyeing the half-eaten cheesecake on the coffee table.

Arin shrugs, looking down at his nails and picking at them a bit, probably trying to make it seem like it’s all not even a big deal. But he might just be completely forgetting the frantic phone call he’d made to Jack just an hour or so earlier on the phone, rambling about America’s Next Top Model and something that sounded like either, “chocolate” or “Charlotte.” From what they’ve all just seen and heard, Jack thinks it’s safe to assume he was probably saying both.

“Where did you even meet her?”

“Um, the gas station. I had just watched some weird documentary thing on doughnuts on TV, and it was actually all about how they cause obesity and shit, but it just really made me want some. So I went to the gas station down the road and we both ended up reaching for the last bag and I just… she seemed nice enough. I didn’t even wanna fuck her or anything, I just thought that for fucking once there could be a girl for me that wasn’t a total psychopath.”

“Sounds like you have horrible luck.” All eyes are on Ross as he mumbles out his muffled words, now eating the abandoned cheesecake and staring at it like he wants to marry it. Though, he’d probably just divorce it after a week or two. Jack and Kevin give him this look that says, “What the fucking hell are you doing, you’re not really helping and you’re eating the man’s goddamn cheesecake too, oh my god.” Ross seems unfazed by it though, and Arin makes no comment, so they just hope he keeps his mouth full of food and won’t say anything else.

Kevin puts a hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezes a bit, smiling apologetically as he says, “I just don’t get why you were letting her get to you, though.” And that sort of brings the slightly sad look back to his face and shit, none of them are saying the right things tonight.

“It’s because she was fucking _right_ , about everything! My job sucks, I can hardly keep up with the bills, I mooch rides off of Jack literally every god damn day and don’t even pay him for gas. And on top of that I watch Tyra Banks on TV when I get upset and if that doesn’t tell you I’m the hugest fucking loser in the world, I don’t know what will.”

It’s silent once he releases his thoughts into the room that’s filled with bad thoughts and bad vibes and tension; even Ross has stopped eating to take in what Arin’s just said. No one seems to know how to respond because really, what are you meant to say to something like that? Obviously, Arin’s a fucking great guy, and sure Jack has to drive him around but he’s never complained. And maybe he works at Orange fucking Julius but what’s so wrong with that? Even with the fact that they know he’s the farthest from a loser you can get, they’re still stumped on how to express this. Mainly because Kevin is usually awkward in social situations and Ross is preoccupied, has actually started watching the show on the TV. No one’s surprised when Jack takes the lead.

“You’re a giant idiot, I hope you know.”

“Yeah, well you’re not the first person to let me know that today,”

“No! Just- fucking listen to me. You is smart, you is kind-,”

He’s cut off by Ross’s giggles, and that seems to make Kevin think it’s okay to laugh too, and then even Arin’s laughing and a whole weight seems to be lifted. The room feels much more free and airy like it should and usually does whenever they’re all together just having a good time. Once they’re all done just snickering at each other Jack finds it in himself to continue.

“Okay, but seriously, don’t let some fucking gas station bitch make you feel like this, dude. You know that we all love you and your free smoothies, and whether you have a car or not, we’re still gonna want to hang out with you. Let Charlotte eat her cheap doughnuts and get obese while you fuck around with us and not care what other people think of you. Okay?”

Arin nods, smiling a bit though he tries to hide it, because he’s seriously feeling like such a girl with all these feelings and the drama and the crying and really? Who is he, _Ross?_ He wants the night to be over, and yeah, maybe he _does_ feel a little better when he thinks about Charlotte getting totally fat with all her doughnuts.

Everything takes a sort of weird turn when Ross speaks up again, having been just plain unhelpful during Arin’s crisis, and now wrapped up in who will be America’s Next Top Model. The other boys aren’t completely sure how to respond when he talks over the TV, though they’re grinning anyway and half-jokingly wondering why they still keep him around.

“You should have served her squirrel, bro.”

\--

“I’ve got pizza!” Ross all but yells as he bursts into Kevin’s apartment, holding the hot box of food in the air as proof that he’s not lying. Because really, lying about pizza is mean.

This, of course, gains him the attention of Arin and Kevin, the two boys trailing eagerly behind him into the kitchen as he places the box on top of the stove. Jack walks through the front door a few moments later, and everyone's so eager to eat and wrapped up in their own worlds that they almost don't even notice the scowl on Jack's face. Except Jack is almost never in a bad mood so they sorta do notice, Kevin tensing up as Jack stomps around and Arin stilling with a slice of pizza hanging out of his mouth. Ross, however, seems totally unfazed, too preoccupied with his phone to either take notice or give a shit.

“I’m gonna kill that boy.” He finally mutters after slamming a few cabinets in search of plates, leaning on the counter and shoving his face full of pizza, maybe a sort of distraction so as not to kill Ross. It’s been about three weeks since Arin’s Charlotte meltdown, and they’ve all stayed going strong as friends without a hitch, no more problems or bitchy girls getting in the way. It sort of sucks to know that they’re facing a conflict after such a long streak with nothing going wrong. Though knowing both Ross and Jack, it’s probably not even that big of a deal, and it’ll hopefully pass soon.

“Um, can I ask why?” Kevin asks, slowly and subtly moving his way towards the knife block at the end of the counter, standing in front of it and catching the way Jack definitely sees him doing it and rolls his eyes.

“That little _asshole_ told me to pick him up at one but didn’t even walk out the door until one-thirty, had me drive him all the way to the DMV and wait an hour while he took his driving test, and _then_ even had the nerve to ask to get _pizza_ on the way back.”

Kevin and Arin both glance at each other, both silently agreeing to not point out the fact that yeah, maybe Ross was the one that asked for it, but Jack still said yes and drove out of his way to get the food. It seems like that would most likely just piss him off more.

“Hey man, you _knew_ how far the DMV was, if you didn’t want to drive me, you could have just told me to take the bus.”

“It’s not about how _far_ it was, Ross. You’re my friend, I drive you places all the time; but when you’re late and have me just sitting around waiting in my car all day it makes me a little mad, alright? You could have at least been ready at the time you told me to get to your apartment.”

“Wait but, I’m sort of confused- why did his driving test take an _hour_? Usually those things last like fifteen minutes, max.” Arin talks with his mouth full of food, noticing the disgusted look everyone, even Ross, shoots him but doesn’t make a move to chew with his mouth closed. Apparently he has no shame.

This wasn't the right thing to say, apparently, because then Jack is glaring even harder at the boy who's still seemingly too busy with his phone to even glance at his angry friend. Jack doesn't say a word, just stares and stares, probably expecting Ross to finally look up at some point. He doesn't.

"What are you even doing on your phone, anyway? I swear to god if you're playing Kim Kardashian-," Kevin starts, closing his eyes and all but shuddering at the horror. It's a good thing Arin kept his own love of the game a secret from all of them until he realized he should probably let his very weird and unhealthy addiction go.

"He's texting." Jack deadpans, that being all he says before shoving the remnants of his food in his mouth. Fortunately, he cuts himself off there, not being an emotional overeater like _someone_ they know. Not that any of them would criticize Arin for his love of cheesecake and other comfort foods. It's kind of cute... if you think really hard about it.

"Okay, who?"

The whole room goes quiet, save for the sound of Ross's thumbs still tapping. Kevin seems to piece things together first, and then Arin's gasping and Jack is just rolling his eyes because he can't believe it took them this long to figure it all out. Because what the hell else did they expect from Ross at this point, honestly?

"I honestly don't see what's so bad about-,"

"Ross, don't even start with me right now. I was sitting in my hot fucking car for an _hour_! You should have texted me to say you were gonna take a little longer, so I could have done something other than sit in the parking lot."

"Well I was a little busy, okay? It slipped my mind."

"Right, and because you just _forgot_ because you were too busy flirting I'm just supposed to let it slide."

Both Kevin and Arin quietly leave the room at this point, taking the pizza box with them because they feel strangely like a couple of kids watching their parents fight and they're a little weirded out. Plus, Arin has managed to get him a little bit hooked on America's Next Top Model, and they have to watch it when no one's around or else they'll surely face a world of teasing once they're caught.

"Okay, I got the DMV guy's number and kept you waiting for too long. I'm _sorry_ \- is that what you want me to say?"

Jack hesitates for a moment before he spits out another harsh sentence because well, yeah, that's exactly what he wanted Ross to say. To fucking apologize instead of acting like what he did to one of his best friends was no big deal.

He can't help it when he sighs and nods because he's seriously just exhausted already and fighting isn't helping the impending headache he can feel brewing just above his forehead. With a grin, Ross leans over the island counter to give him a wet kiss on the cheek that Jack immediately coils away from, the two of them chuckling a little as they make their way into the living room. 

Kevin and Arin can't seem to scramble for the remote fast enough to change the channel to ESPN or something a lot less embarrassing, and prepare for torture. However, they're pleasantly surprised when Ross just slumps down on the couch between them, saying nothing other than a muttered, "I love this show." No one seems to notice Jack's irritated groan.

\--

The fact that Brian works at the DMV forty-five minutes away seems to make him last longer than most guys from the past, because Ross is usually obsessively texting him rather than interacting with him face to face. And how can you hate someone if you've only ever met with them in person once? However, it seems that this Brian guy actually really likes Ross back - surprise, surprise - which is how they all ended up outside Orange Julius; Kevin, Jack, Ross, Arin... and Brian. They all find it kind of awkward at first but Ross was holding his hand from the moment Brian showed up and surprised him and he still hasn't let go. He’s a little older than Ross would usually go for and maybe looks a little stone-cold on the surface, but Ross wouldn’t date him if he didn’t believe in his heart. Probably.

Ross's friends are not very good at small talk, and he gets fed up with the weird questions they ask his date in a matter of a half an hour. He grins at the way Brian smiles politely and waves at the boys as he drags him away, telling them they're all really nice guys. Ross agrees, he guesses, but it's a Sunday afternoon and they're good guys and all but they're just talking, and that's _boring_. Ross _hates_ boring.

The pair doesn't leave the mall, instead finding a bench outside because Ross finally has his license after putting it off for so many years, sure, but he's still without a car so they'll just have to have their little romantic outing on a bench by the fountain outside. There are people around them, not many, and though there is one guy with a face full of mustard and a soft pretzel in one hand that's sitting across the courtyard from them, Ross only grimaces at him for a second because then his attention turns back to Brian.

"So, um... This is kind of weird, but uh, tell me about yourself?" Ross says it like a question, words unsure and everything feels awkward and yeah, maybe he's starting to regret breaking away from the group. Sure they're being boring and talking about something to do with Kevin's job, but maybe boring would be better than the awkward mess he seems to have gotten himself into.

"It's not weird, it's cute," Brian assures him, kissing his cheek and yep, fuck his friends, this is so much better than hanging with them.

"Ask me some questions, though, I'm not sure what you wanna know."

"Well I already know your name and where you work, and you told me on the phone you have two cats, uh... let's go with the basics I guess. Favorite food?"

"Man I don’t know, this is kinda weird, but spaghetti? Like, plain spaghetti, I hate tomatoes.." Ross giggles a little, nodding because it _is_ weird, but it's quirky and he likes quirky.

"Favorite animal."

"Cats, honestly. That's sort of a basic answer, I'm sorry I'm so uninteresting." Ross smiles still, nodding along and he's not really sure if he's agreeing with Brian or just showing that he's listening.

"Alright, um, lame question; what's your favorite color?"

"I have to say white, just because I like the snow so much, all pure and whatever. And, it goes with everything, right?" He laughs at his own joke but Ross is hardly smiling anymore, just a faint smirk because it wasn't very funny and suddenly Brian doesn't seem so quirky and adorable anymore. Ross sort of misses his not-so-boring friends.

/////

"I just... I don't understand why..."

"I'm really sorry, okay? It's just um... just the whole, uh, distance thing. It doesn't sit well with me, always wanting to see you but not being able to."

"You know I don't care about that, Ross. It's under an hour and I have three days off a week, anyway. I can just drive to see you."

There's more muffled speech from behind the bedroom door that Arin's straining to hear, reporting every word back to Kevin on the couch as he listens to Ross on the phone in his room. Jack claims he's tuning them out because, "It's none of our business, guys, leave Ross alone." Though they both know he's actually paying zero attention to the TV and listening for details just as intently as his dumb friends.

"He hung up," Arin tells them with a super-manly squeak, scurrying away from the door he’s had his ear pressed against to jump on the couch and try to appear nonchalant like he was only watching the game and definitely not eavesdropping. But Ross doesn't throw open the door and trudge into the room to catch him like they thought he would. Instead, the bedroom door stays shut, and they only hear one more sentence from Ross for the rest of the night.

"His favorite color is fucking _white_!" He yells at no one in particular, something hitting the floor and making a thump after he’s gone quiet. They all know how Ross hates boring.

\--

Ross stumbles down the basement stairs with red cheeks and a smile that looks like it's close to splitting his face. He seems to be out of breath and sweating a little, but only Kevin takes an interest in him, asking him why the hell he looks as though he’s been running from the police or something. Jack is on the phone with someone and shoots a warning look towards his friend as a way to say, “interrupt me and I’ll kill you.” The smell of something in the oven upstairs tells Ross that Arin is cooking; as if he's actually worried about where Arin is. But he’s not- he’s got a million words all crammed inside his head ready to flow out a mile a minute. And unfortunately, Kevin is going to be on the receiving end.

“Should I even ask?”

“Dude, bro, I-,” Ross wobbles over to him, just barely making it to the couch and still having to take a moment to catch his breath after the short trip. Kevin waits patiently while Jack pushes himself off the floor irritably, moving to the next room over to maybe get some quiet for his phone call. Ross just barely notices him leaving, wondering for a very brief second who’s on the phone and what Ross did to make him pissy and leave. It’s just that his heart’s still beating fast and his mind is still racing; with Kevin sitting in front of him somewhat patiently waiting for a hopefully thrilling story, and Arin walking down the stairs holding a thing of fucking lasagna, he can’t find it in himself to care too much about Jack.

“Okay so, you know how there’s construction down by the pharmacy, and they put up a detour sign for the people who live in that neighborhood back behind it? Me and Dan just fucking _stole_ it.”

Arin looks disturbed as he cools a forkful of lasagna before guiding it to his mouth, making an even more disturbed and rather funny face as it burns his tongue anyway. Kevin, however, the most sensible friend (so he likes to think to himself, most of the time) gapes at him and doesn't take the news quite as lightly.

"Dude, Ross, stealing road signs is… that's sort of illegal."

"I know! We drove for a while with it in the backseat and then left it on the side of the road because I got kinda scared we would get caught... But last week we stole a shopping cart too and it was just so fucking fun."

Jack picks the wrong time to come back into the room, shoving his phone in his pocket and giving Ross a deadpan look that tells him just how stupid he thinks he is. Though maybe it's a perfect time, because they know if there's anyone Ross will sometimes actually listen to, it's Jack. And now seems to be one of those times that he really needs some sense to be talked into him.

"Are you fucking stupid?"

Ross shrugs, still grinning, thinking back to his wild times being all rebellious and shit. In a way, this is good for him, because Ross has never really done anything “spontaneous and dangerous” that really got his blood pumping. But still, if he wants an adrenaline rush, he _knows_ Jack will happily take the four of them to a theme park for the day. He doesn't need to resort to minor lawbreaking to have a little fun.

"You know you would've had to pay a fine if someone caught you, right? There's no way you could afford it. And what if you keep committing all these stupid crimes with him? Are you just _asking_ to be deported?"

"Yeah, well I just _said_ that we left it on the side of the road. It was just a little fun, don't be such an old man."

Jack shakes his head, not up for arguing because no matter what he says, Ross will just keep retorting back with some lame excuse like a bratty teenager. Whatever- Dan will without a doubt be gone soon enough, as per usual.

The three friends all seem to share the same opinion on Ross's antics, but also share the common knowledge that he's a stubborn bitch and there isn't any point in trying to talk him out of it. So Arin keeps eating and Jack goes to join him, leaving Kevin to sort Ross out, though even he's really not feeling totally up to it. Despite how much he didn't want to believe that Ross is essentially a man-whore or player of sorts, he's definitely starting to accept it. He's also starting to admit to himself that keeping up with all these new guys all the time is quite exhausting, always learning a new name and face just to throw them away weeks later.

"So why are you with this Dan guy anyway, huh? A rebellious douchebag that steals shit seems out of your league, if anything."

"He’s not a douchebag, he's fucking _cool_ , okay? Brian was nice and all but, working at the DMV? Hoarding cats? He's so just... average, and _boring_. This guy is into art and all that, he paints at the studio downtown, and he's even sings, too. He’s got this crazy curly hair and wears ripped jeans, and he's so different from any other guy I've been with. He's fun, you know? I don't want boring. Dan is definitely not boring."

"So you think stealing stuff is what makes someone un-boring?" Jack deadpans, having previously seeming uninterested in the conversation, and still looking like he'd rather be somewhere else, though he’s clearly listening in. It's only for Ross's own good and protection, though, seriously. He needs to know and hear all about this sketchy art kid in case he ends up kidnapping Ross one day, driving him to Mexico while still saying, "It's fun, Ross! We're having _fun_!"

With a shake of his head, Ross is groaning, his mood slipping already because he seriously just _knew_ they wouldn't get it.

"It's not just the illegal stuff, which he does, like, hardly ever. It's that he's... spontaneous, I guess? He surprises me all the time, keeps me on my toes or whatever. Like he always wants to draw me, and... we have sex in seriously the weirdest places. Before we got here we went to the mall and in the parking deck-,"

"Don't wanna hear it." Jack cuts Ross off, glancing at the other guys as they shake their heads and grimace in agreement.

"Alright, so it's not _just_ that fact that he steals fuckin' shopping carts, but because he fucks you in public and he paints pretty pictures?" Arin sounds just as unimpressed as Jack had, and for once even Kevin looks like he's not putting up with Ross's shit. It's not that they're horribly judgemental people, it's just that this guy sounds like way too big of a tool to accept. And maybe it’s a little because they are actually horribly judgemental, whatever.

Ross rolls his eyes, huffing and sinking further into the couch and trying to act as though he doesn't even feel all of their eyes on him, burning holes as they stare. Doesn't he know that they have the better judgment, at least nine times out of ten? It's for his own good, really- Jack, Arin, and Kevin just can't see some pretentious and rebellious art kid being very good for their friend. Especially when Ross is already a bit too absurd on his own and pretty easily influenced. They can only just leave him to pout on his own and hope that once Dan tries convincing him to vandalize a billboard or rob a bank, Ross will have come to his senses by then.

\--

"Fuck you!"

"Would you just shut the fuck up and _listen_ to me? This will be _good_ for you!"

"Fuck you."

Sometimes, Arin can be a thick-skulled, stubborn, ill-tempered bitch. Sometimes his ignorance and how he always feels the need to be right can create tension in the group. Mostly just with Jack, though, because Kevin is rather passive-aggressive, Ross hardly ever knows what’s going on, and Jack has his own need to always be right, too. It’s annoying how often they bicker, honestly.

“You’re being so fucking difficult, dude, you don’t have to-,”

“I don’t have to what?”

“Be such a fucking dick! God, it’s just a _date_ , you complain all the time about how you want a relationship but when I try and set you up you hate me for it. That’s so unfair.”

“Yeah, well did you ever stop to think that maybe I don’t _want_ to be set up with someone? It’s so embarrassing for everyone to know that I have to get a connection through a friend because girls never fucking go out with me otherwise.”

Ross accidentally drops a pan and the two turn to him to shoot him an irritated look as it clangs loudly on the kitchen floor of Kevin’s apartment, interrupting the heated argument. Kevin’s actually at work, watching kids for an after-school program as he does every Monday and Tuesday. No one can remember whose idea it was to just prance around his place like they own it, but Ross is cooking, whizzing around the kitchen like he’s a master chef, and it smells pretty damn good so no one’s complaining. That is, no one except Arin and Jack, who are still practically snarling as they glare at each other and swap insults back and forth. So basically, only Ross isn’t complaining, because this sort of thing happens at least once a week, and he’s used to it. Plus, he’s wrapped up in his cooking journey on the stove, and he can’t really be in a bad mood when his homemade barbeque sauce tastes this fucking great.

A few nights back when Jack had been on the phone, he wasn’t just talking with his mother, or his dentist (the same one he always denies that he likes, because he, “Totally doesn’t want to fuck her, she touches my teeth, dude, that’s weird.”) He’d been in a conversation with a friend of an ex, a polite and petite girl that he can’t help but still talk to because she’s so sweet. It had taken a little convincing because blind dates almost always turn out to be just a level below shit, but after some sweet-talking and maybe even a bribe of paying for her food next time they went to Subway, Jack had done it. He’d gotten a girl to agree to a date with Arin, a _pretty_ girl- even sacrificed money from his own pocket for a five dollar foot-long, and Arin didn’t even care. Arin was pissed. Arin could, “find a date on his own, fucking thanks,” even though it was the day of the picnic they planned weeks ago and he still didn’t have a girl to take. He _could_ have a date if he just admitted he was wrong and let Jack introduce him. But as long as he’s still so hard-headed, it just won’t be that simple.

“Dude, she’s really sweet and cute and funny and just… you’re gonna fuckin’ date her, okay? Whether you want to or not. The only reason you’re being so moody about all of this is because it’s been forever since you’ve gotten laid.”

“What? Not true! There was that girl back in March, um… Sarah, I think that was her name.”

“Well, good for Sarah, but now it’s time for you to stop watching America’s Next Top Model at home alone all the time and fucking talk to someone other than Ross, Kevin, and me.”

Ross lets out a short shriek as he accidentally drips hot barbeque sauce on his hand while pouring the stuff into a Tupperware container. He sucks on his fingers and whimpers a bit for added effect, but Jack and Arin don’t even glance at him this time, just bro-hug it out once Arin _finally_ nods and agrees to go along with his friend’s plan. Once Ross’s small drama with his mildly tinged pink skin is sorted out and Arin has located his shoes to get ready to go, Jack’s got his keys in hand, and they’re ready to head out.

At the park, it’s not as awkward and weird to see and hear Dan and Ross eating face as it could have been. When they arrive, the two of them are off in their own little world as soon as Ross has jumped into his boyfriend’s arms, but the girl Jack had invited is already there too and they all thank the fact that they can preoccupy themselves with the awkward first meeting as Dan practically sticks his hands down Ross’s pants right there in the park.

Arin’s introduced to a girl with pink hair called Holly, and fuck, okay, he feels so stupid for not wanting to go because Jack was right, she’s seriously cute. She’s got one of those big floppy sun hats on and Arin’s always thought those were stupid, but she wears it well and he can’t deny that he feels himself starting to like her right off the bat. Did he mention she’s cute? Fuck, she even giggles at his lame attempts at making jokes and her dress flows in the wind and she’s like this fuckin’... fuckin’ summer _goddess_ or something. He can only hope that she’s as nice as she seems, and doesn’t try forcing him into eating dairy products only from goats like that chick he went to prom with junior year. Arin doesn’t like to talk about her.

“So, are we ready to eat?” Jack asks with a smile, hardly even feeling like a fifth wheel because he’s sort of like the parent chaperone on some awkward teenage double date and he doesn’t even mind being without a partner of his own. He misses Kevin a little, but it’s nice to be able to catch up with Holly a bit and see Arin grinning goofily at her, all while hardly having to say a word to Ross. He’s thoroughly surprised that the boy breaks away from Dan’s lips for a moment to eat with the rest of them at the picnic table.

The conversation flows rather easily, which is made possible by the fact that Ross only interrupts someone _twice_. Every time Dan opens his mouth or laughs or even just smiles, Ross stops talking and just stares at him, like he can’t believe he’s real. Jack has to admit, as horrible as he still seems, Dan’s actually really quite charming in an annoying way, with his kind eyes and warm smile. Plus, he has this incredible ability to make Ross shut the hell up for once in his life, which Jack commends him on. Or rather, _would_ commend him on if the boy didn’t just give off this horrible, douchey _hipster_ vibe when he so little as mentioned underground bands or poetry slams or how he only likes shopping at thrift stores. And he mentions those things a lot, okay, so it’s safe to say that within the first twenty minutes Jack is pretty fed the fuck up.

However, despite feeling like a bitter old man and scowling whenever Dan opens his mouth and Ross practically drools at whatever he says or does, he’s still content with how the lunch date is going and does a pretty great job of not acting like the giant dick he knows he can be. Arin ends up feeding Holly strawberries by the end, Dan and Ross are making out again the second they finish their food, and Jack has to text Kevin to not feel as lonely and kind of annoyed at the smacking sounds coming from both couples. But at least no one's asking him to drive them anywhere.

/////

The smell of smoke makes Arin grimace as Ross leans against the counter, watching his friend work and waiting for his shift to end. However, Arin's having just a little trouble working when his best friend is lurking and staring and worst of all, smelling like stale smoke.

"Okay, why the fuck do you smell like you've just smoked two entire packs of cigarettes?"

"What are you talking about? I don't even smell like-,"

"Yeah, you do, actually. What the hell has been up with you lately? Last week you totally blew me and Kevin off at the movies to hang out with Dan, and now you fucking smell like him too. What, are you letting him fuck you while he smokes?"

Ross scoffs at his friend's suggestion, despite the fact that on the inside, he considers telling Dan they should try that because for some odd reason it actually sounds really hot. He steps aside as a customer walks up and watches as Arin moves around to get them what they want. He's thinking of how he's going to break this news to him lightly, because even though Ross knows for a _fact_ that it's no big deal, he also just knows that Arin will most likely flip out on him. And then when they all hangout Saturday he'll tell Jack and Kevin and they'll flip out too and he just doesn't want to feel like he's in trouble. It's his own life, he should be able to make his own damn decisions and not feel guilty or afraid of getting scolded by his somewhat over-protective, uncomfortably parent-like friends.

"So, what is it? Did you guys try some kinky shit with his cigarettes? Did he burn you with the end of one for fun?" Arin seems amused by his own assumptions, but Ross is just rolling his eyes and shaking his head. It's now or never, he guesses.

"Nah man, I just, um, I tried smoking."

The words come out quickly, as if Ross is hoping that maybe if he spits it out fast enough, Arin won't really hear him. The thing is, though, Arin definitely _does_ hear him, his eyebrows furrowing immediately as he stares Ross down with hard eyes that say,"You better not be fucking with me."

"You what?"

"Tried smoking. Dan pulled out his pack and asked if I wanted to try so... I did."

"Ross! You can't just _do_ that! Did he force you?"

"What- no, no, I _wanted_ to, Arin."

As he twists his face unsurely, he resembles Ross's mother after Ross had admitted in high school he'd gotten drunk at a party and fucked some guy he didn't know the name of. Or when Ross came home with a busted lip and broken nose and told her, "You should see the other guy." Or when he crashed her car when driving with his friends high in the backseat. Basically, Arin looks like he's not sure if he should try to explain why what Ross did is wrong or just skip the lecture and smack him upside the head.

"You... _wanted_ to."

"Yeah."

Arin leaves it at that, shaking his head because he doesn't think an argument will do much good and he's already stressed from work. He thinks Ross just doesn't get it, is wondering why he's so upset with him because they both know plenty of other people that smoke, and he's never complained. The thing is, though, firstly, those people don't mean as much to him as Ross. And secondly, it would be a little different if Ross had just taken it up on his own- the fact that Dan probably told him it was fun and felt nice and _convinced_ him; that's what Arin is a little bit pissed about. Not really upset with Ross, but with Dan, and maybe a little bit with Ross for just doing whatever edgy hipster Dan says. Hopefully, the inevitable break up will come sooner rather than later.

\--

Arin regrets wishing for Ross to break up with Dan.

It seemed like it would definitely be for the better, because Ross had taken a couple of his boyfriend's cigarettes and tried lighting one up in Jack's apartment- needless to say, that didn't go down very well. And since then, he's been smelling of smoke more and more frequently, and some days even of weed; the other boys are sort of afraid to ask if it's just from being around Dan, or from doing it himself. They _know_ he doesn't like doing it, it’s easy to tell by the grimaces and the coughs, but he keeps it up anyway just to please Dan and that's obviously not a very good thing. But for the most part, they all can live with it- as long as he doesn't actually get addicted. What they _can't_ deal with, however, is a glum, sulking boy that mopes around everywhere because he's called it off with his boyfriend. And as if just one dejected guy with relationship troubles isn't enough, they've got two.

Ross was always going on about how spontaneous Dan was, like how one week he picked up his keys and just asked his boyfriend if he wanted to drive to the next state over as a quick weekend trip. Because of this, he thought one day it would be a good idea to surprise his boyfriend for once, turn the tables, make him smile. Except when Ross walked into Dan's apartment, there weren't any smiles, because it seemed like Dan still managed to have another surprise up his sleeve.

In past relationships, Ross had never experienced the trouble of heartache. He was always the one doing the dumping, and he still did it this time too, turned right back around and slammed the door so hard that there was a cracking noise when it shut. But the satisfaction of seeing Dan's face fall as he was caught in the act did nothing to ease the feeling of Ross’s heart sinking deep in his chest, burning all the way down. No matter how tough the feat of keeping himself together on the bus ride back home, Ross managed it, but it seemed that’s all he could take. After struggling with the lock on his door and contemplating whether he should just give up and lean up against the door outside as he had his emotional breakdown, he got inside eventually, but nothing’s better. 

The boys are of course all on their way as soon as they can, Kevin even taking the last two hours off of work because this is seriously just so unlike Ross.

“Why are we whispering?”

“I don’t know, I think it’s better for us to be whispering. Maybe he’s asleep.”

“He’s not asleep, his eyes are fucking open.”

“But then why the hell else isn’t he saying anything?”

Arin and Kevin manage to start bickering among themselves, even in Ross’s desperate state of turmoil and hurting. Jack has gone to search for tissues and painkillers because he’s not saying that Dan is a bad guy, just that… well, Ross always went on about how he was so “unpredictable,” and he’s just taking the necessary precautions before they hear the whole story. So Jack’s currently in the other room and he’s not around to tell the two to shut the fuck up, which sort of makes the situation worse and Ross almost regrets calling them over. If it could even be called a proper phone call; he’d basically just blubbered down the line a little before hanging up and hoping he got his message across. He guesses he did, since his friends are all in his apartment to supposedly “help him feel better,” but maybe it would have been better if Ross were left on his own to cry it out in solitude.

“Dude, can you hear us?” Arin’s voice breaks Ross’s train of thought, waving his hand in front of the boy’s face obnoxiously. Fortunately, that’s just the time Jack returns to save the day, shoving Arin aside and slumping down beside his friend with a hand full of toilet paper. It’s cheap dollar store shit and it scratches a little bit as Ross gratefully takes the stuff and rubs it against his nose, but Jack couldn’t find anything better. Mainly because Ross never took up the habit of keeping a box of tissues in the house, since he’d never once figured he would need it in the case of heartbreak. 

“Shut up, you guys aren’t helping, something’s obviously wrong.” Jack snaps, and Ross wants to tell him that it’s okay, Arin and Kevin are just being themselves, but he still feels like his voice won’t work. He keeps running over the words he wants to say in his head, but when he tries making his throat work it feels as though he’s going to vomit instead of speak and this whole “talking about his feelings” thing he’d previously thought up just isn’t going according to plan.

“Well… fine, but he has to at least tell us why he’s messed up, first.” Arin’s tone is a bit softer now, sitting up straighter next to Jack to also stare at Ross. He’s all curled up and squished into the couch cushion, like he’s been sinking in further and further for the past hour or so and hasn’t cared enough to move himself and avoid getting swallowed whole.

It takes a few tries, since that word-vomit feeling keeps on rising, but somehow Ross manages, just like how he managed to hold himself together on the bus even when he could just _feel_ the other passengers staring at him when a few tears slipped. There are still the few odd tears falling even now, and Ross knows that when this is over he’ll never hear the end of it, either from the guys or from himself if they have enough heart to not relentlessly tease him about it. But there’s no way he can feel embarrassed now, still all scrunched up on the sofa as his friends watch him worriedly. His heart still hurts so much in his chest that there’s really no room for Ross to feel anything else.

“Dan and I broke up.” Is all that the boy says, lifting his head up a little to speak before dropping it back down on a pillow. He feels too exhausted for this shit, why did he ever think he wanted to actually _talk_ about this?

The others manage a near simultaneous, “What?”, expressions equally as confused, which in turn makes Ross’s face twist into a scowl. The sad period is nearly over, and now he’s pissed- wasn’t it all three of them exactly that had always been going on about how Dan was no good, and how he and Ross would never work out? What the fuck do they mean, “What?” That thing they’d apparently predicted from the start had finally happened, shouldn’t they be throwing a fucking party and laughing in Ross’s face? He’s not sure why he gets so upset about it, but soon it’s easy to see that he’s mad at the wrong people, and the full force wave of anger that rushes over him is what gets Ross finally out of his weird sofa crease and sitting criss-cross in front of his friends, spilling all the words he’d previously let build up inside.

“We fucking broke up, okay?”

“Whoa, dude, calm down. What happened, exactly?” Jack makes sure to not sound too demanding, not wanting to have Ross lash out at them or something. He offers the painkillers and a glass of water with his words, trying to keep the whole situation under control.

“He cheated on me.” Ross murmurs against the rim of the cup, downing the meds because while Dan hadn’t laid a hand on him like Jack half assumed, too much crying makes for a bad headache, and his whole body feels dead and sore, anyway.

Their collective gasps and curses are what egg Ross on further, and that’s the story of how Ross managed to ramble for fifteen minutes straight about the douchebag artist that Ross had grown almost impossibly fond of. All he’d wanted was to make Dan happy and surprised like he always did for Ross, but instead of a cute walk in the park, he got the sight of a half-naked girl laid out in Dan’s living room and a night full of tears and frustration. The worst part about the whole shit storm? That girl on the sofa had her coffeehouse apron from work still on, with the name none other than “Holly” written on the nametag in curly letters. Apparently those polite smiles from the barbeque had meant a little more than both Ross and Arin were able to see.

After a quick and almost pointless phone call to confirm what Ross had told him, Arin comes back down the hall from where he’d retreated with tears in his eyes, now with the tears fallen on his cheeks and a fresh new ex-girlfriend. Jack sighs and goes to get more tissues as Ross and Arin begin to talk it out, bonding over their heartbreak. Kevin sits there wondering how the hell he managed to get stuck with such a dramatic bunch of friends.

\--

Things seem to calm down for a bit after the Dan and Holly incident. None of them speak of it unless it’s to make horrible cracks about the two cheating assholes. Arin and Ross always manage to laugh at the jokes, despite actually feeling bad about the insults because they unwillingly miss their exes dearly. Ross quits pretending he likes to smoke now that Dan's out of the picture, and everything is basically back to normal. Ross is back in the game again, trying to make himself forget and feel better within the same week. But it of course doesn’t go as smoothly as he hopes. 

There’s an Irish guy called Chris that Ross meets at a bar - undoubtedly drinking his feelings for Dan away, though he’ll never tell anyone - and he seemed nice enough at first. It was supposed to be a one night stand but they both seemed to like each other just a bit too much for one night only, so they make it a thing. But it turns out that Ross isn’t just stupidly making horrible excuses to break up with the boys he dates, but he’s actually now just terrible at picking the right ones.

For a couple weeks, he tries to get through it, tells himself Chris just isn’t used to a relationship like this and Ross is being too picky and they’ll both get over it soon enough. Except it’s been two weeks of forced commitment and Ross just doesn’t want it anymore. All Chris ever fucking talks about is either football or sex. And all he ever _does_ is watch football, or have sex. He drinks too much beer, always smells and tastes like it, and it all doesn’t sit well with Ross, who’s used to pecks on the cheek and lazy hazy wine nights with his boys. 

The worst bit of it all is that whenever Ross tries easing him into what _he_ wants to do, stuff that isn’t hard and rough sex on the living room floor - fucking _ow_ \- Chris just shoves him off and tells him no. He shrugs and leaves the room when Ross tries holding his hand, and scoffs and straight up _laughs_ in his face when Ross suggests they try something slow for once, maybe just a quiet night in rather than yelling and watching _another_ sports game on TV. It sucks. It’s nothing good, it’s not easing Ross’s troubles the slightest bit. So he calls it off, even feeling upset when Chris hardly blinks an eye and just says, “Cool, later, bro.” Why did he like dating so much before? This fucking sucks.

And later Kevin even tries to help. He still doesn’t really agree with Ross’s mindless attitude towards casually dating and carelessly breaking up with countless dudes, but it’s all he can do to pitch in.

"What are you doing here?" Kevin asks as Ross storms down the stairs, throwing himself onto the couch in Arin's basement. He doesn't mean to sound so unwelcoming, it's just that if Ross is ever going to get over this rough patch, he's going to have to stop moping around and hiding in his friends' houses. He can't avoid other people forever.

There's some weird mumbling into the couch cushion and Kevin just rolls his eyes because Ross _knows_ he isn't making sense, can't be heard right when his face is shoved in the sofa. Just then is when Arin comes back from the bathroom, stopping in the doorway and sending a confused look towards the boy curled up on his couch that definitely wasn't there before.

"What is he doing here?"

More mumbling follows, a little louder and more angry this time, but um, hello, they still can't fucking understand him. Kevin gets fed up.

"We can't hear you, stupid."

That seems to do the trick. Ross sits up, his cheeks a little pink and his eyes closed, eyebrows raised in exasperation. "Well, maybe you should listen better."

Arin and Kevin glance at each other, expressions curious and taken aback. They know Ross can usually be a bit _weird_ , but he's never really a straight up asshole like this. Well, at least not constanly.

"Dude, what's your fucking problem?"

"I just- I'm fuckin' sick of boys."

Arin takes that at his cue to leave the room again, shaking his head with a sort an irritated expression as he makes his way up the stairs. He's probably going to go watch Desperate Housewives on the bigger TV in the living room. It's been his new guilty pleasure lately, ever since he got fed up with Tyra and her shitty model show. 

Kevin is now sat stuck with a pretty stressed out Ross and he's sort of afraid he won't be able to handle it. But he takes a deep breath anyway to sort of prepare himself for whatever Ross will spill to him about feelings and shit. But, he guesses it could be worse- Arin could be forcing them to watch Desperate Housewives with him.

"So, what's the problem exactly? Actually, let's start with why you're here- shouldn't you be out with Matt?"

At the mention of the boy Kevin had tried setting him up with, Ross scoffs and turns to Kevin, giving him a look that clearly isn't happy.

"That guy is a dick, I left him."

"What? But you said just the other day you said that he was cool!"

"Yeah, because he gave me head like three times in one day. But then he started fucking picking fights with me all the time. You know he yelled at me for accidentally leaving the milk out at his place? And he's always so damn sassy, it's just- _annoying_."

With a sigh, Kevin falls back into the couch, feeling way too much like a school guidance counselor for a normal, wine-drinking, twenty-something-year-old guy. He wishes then that Jack wasn’t out getting his car fixed but instead sitting next to him on the couch, enduring Ross’s boy troubles with him. Not that he doesn’t love Ross and all, but seriously? He understands what the guys were talking about when he first started hanging out with them. Ross’s habits are endlessly ridiculous, and right then is when Kevin decides that they need to stop.

Jack and Arin have made it known that they don’t really approve of Ross’s constant needing to get with someone only to break up with them a short time later, but they’ve never _done_ anything about it. Well now, Kevin’s going to show them Ross is more than just a heartbreaker, and that if any one of them can do something other than watch fuckin’ Desperate Housewives and eat too much takeout, it’s him. Kevin is gonna fucking save Ross O’Donovan.

“Okay, well, did you ever _tell_ Matt that you didn’t like the way he argues all the time?”

Ross doesn’t even hesitate before responding with, “No.”

“Right, and what about with Ryan, remember you said you didn’t like his lips or whatever? You could have told him that. The “problem” probably would have been fixed.”

“Sure, but-,”

“And Brian? You didn’t even give him a chance! If you wanted him to be less boring, you should have asked him to take you to a fucking theme park or something, asked him to not talk about the seven hundred boring white cats he had at home.”

By now Ross looks sort of confused and exasperated, but also flustered, like he can’t even think of anything good to say back, because yeah, Kevin’s right. About everyone. All this time it was hardly anything wrong with the other guys, but more so just everything wrong with Ross.

“So what are you trying to say? Is this supposed to make me feel bad or something?”

“No, I’m _saying_ that if you want something in a guy, you have to let him know, or at least fucking look for it. You can’t just expect everyone to be perfect and do what you want and act the way you want them to if you don’t _tell_ them what you want.”

Ross looks like he’s having a vision, just looking at Kevin with a weird, unblinking stare. It’s kind of scary because he’s not saying a word and that’s sort of unusual for Ross, who’s always making odd comments and remarks that no one really asked for. Kevin hopes he’s just thinking of the advice he’s just been given positively instead of silently plotting to kill his friend for criticizing the way he lives his life.

Just then Arin comes back downstairs with Jack in tow, looking a lot happier now that he’s finished the episode of Desperate Housewives he was in the middle of and found a friend that doesn’t want to only talk about boys and relationships and… gross stuff. He actually just might be a little jealous that Ross can move on so quickly and still manage to pick up another date in a matter of days if need be. But he doesn’t ever tell him that, just acts all hostile and pissy and watches oddly compelling shows meant for women in their mid-forties while telling himself that he doesn’t really care. He does.

“What’s going on? Who fucked who?” Jack says, causing Ross to finally stop staring at Kevin like he’s planning his murder and look towards the stairs. Jack instantly looks like he regrets the comment, because a “Who fucked who?” joke seems sort of inappropriate when it was actually Dan that just recently fucked Holly and now Arin and Ross are sad and single because of it. But neither of them seem to care so he gets off the hook for that one, and then Kevin’s speaking up.

“We’re going to the mall, and Ross is gonna find the love of his life.”

He ignores their collective groans as he pulls them all upstairs.

The mall is probably not one of the best places to search for “boyfriend material,” but Kevin didn’t have any better ideas and yeah, okay, maybe he does a little bit hope that Ross will find someone that can give them discounts in one of the stores. The convenience is nice, okay? Arin claims to have a headache only fifteen minutes in but surprisingly, Jack doesn’t go off to the food court with him to gripe about Ross behind his back. He’s actually sort of curious to see how this will all turn out if Ross and Kevin are both actually capable of the impossible- finding a guy for Ross, and making him fucking keep them.

“There're too many people, I don’t even know where to look.” Ross whines, eyes darting around and glancing at passerby, though none seem to really grab his attention. It must be weird for him because he’s usually not really _looking_ for anyone, they just sort of gravitate to him. They drool from afar and flirt a little when he flashes that fucking grin and it’s just really hard to _not_ fall for Ross. At least, that’s the case on most days. When he’s actually trying to pull someone, though? Not a single flirty boy in sight.

That is until they’re all passing the coffee shop on their way out, and Jack complains that he needs coffee to drive his three man-children home and before anyone can even groan in protest, Ross is nodding and saying, “Yeah, yes, let’s do that.” They all stare at him a bit oddly because Ross doesn’t even _like_ coffee, but then Kevin sees where his gaze is directed and he smirks a bit smugly because fuck yeah, he knew the mall would be a good place to search.

Ross looks like he feels a little uncomfortable about being the one drooling this time around, but he doesn’t show his nerves other than through the slight pink in his cheeks. It feels stupid to just _stare_ at someone like this, but he can’t help it- that guy has a _seriously_ perfect smile.

“Okay, so the first thing you gotta do, is close your mouth and stop staring at him like he’s a piece of meat.” Arin snorts into his coffee, finding Ross’s troubled state funnier than he should.

“What? Oh, I- What do I even say? I’m not gonna order a coffee. I don’t even like coffee.”

“Just tell him you think he’s cute, I don’t know. Say what you’re interested in. You can’t go wrong there.” Kevin suggests, smiling sympathetically at how _helpless_ Ross looks, but feels some weird surge of pride as his friend just nods at his words and finally goes to go talk to the guy. His name tag says Barry, with a little smiley face; this one _has_ to be a keeper.

It seems like a very simple task, just talking to the coffee guy, asking him how things are going. And it is, but the almost permanently smug Ross with his unwavering confidence and boyish charm is _nervous_ , and Ross doesn’t deal well with nerves. He’s not used to feeling like this, it’s just _different_ for him, so he doesn’t know what to do and gets his friends all shaking their heads at him in a matter of a couple minutes alone with the barista.

“I think you’re cute.” Is what Ross says, in response to the friendly, “Hi, what can I get for you today?” It’s not even that bad really, but what _is_ bad is when this Barry guy just raises his eyebrow with a sweet smile, and says, “Oh really?” and Ross answers with, “You’re not a Mormon, are you?”

He looks confused at that, and from then on it’s just a trainwreck. A Ross trainwreck.

“Shit, um, I was just wondering because I dated this guy named Vernon once and he used recyclable grocery bags and he was waiting till marriage and I just-,”

“Well, I uh, I’m not a Mormon, so that’s good for you I guess, but I think I’d like to get to know you before you start trying to get in my pants.” He chuckles, adorably confused. Ross stutters.

“S-Sorry, okay, um… I like kissing.”

Jack bangs his head on the table just as Arin barks out a laugh, making Barry glance to their table for a quick second before turning back to the weird boy in front of him. The store is empty except for them, so they can hear this all loud and clear. Of _course_ they’re listening to the mess of a conversation - if it could even be called that - watching as Ross just full-on humiliates himself. It's not like he's already nervous as shit, or anything, go right ahead.

“I’m sorry?”

“Yeah, I like kissing. It’s um… it’s like one of my favorite things. But if your lips are gross I kinda hate it. Your lips don’t look bad like this one guy Ryan I dated, though, so that’s good.”

Kevin starts collecting their empty sugar packets and such as Jack bangs his head a couple more times for good measure, because yep, Ross just blew his chances and he’s assuming he’ll want to make a quick embarrassed getaway when Barry lets him down easy. It’ll be easier if they’re all already cleaned up and ready to go. Except, something weird happens. The barista looks confused still, but not… disturbed. Despite Ross having already brought up two of his exes in under two minutes, he just looks curious more than anything. He leans to rest his arms on the counter, giving Ross a puzzled look with a quirked eyebrow but asking him to go on. Kevin sits back down with a sigh, preparing to suffer through more nearly unbearable secondhand embarrassment.

“Alright so, this is what I’ve got so far. You don’t like Mormons or weird lips, but, you _do_ like kissing, you think I’m cute and you’ve dated a guy named Ryan and a guy named Vernon. Is there anything else I should know?”

“I like to watch reruns of America’s Next Top Model.”

Arin looks like he’s about ready to burst from holding back his laughter, but what the coffee guy says next makes all of their eyes widen in surprise.

“Well damn, I’m sold.”

This can’t be happening. Is this actually happening? Did Ross actually just manage to successfully flirt with a guy even after sounding like a total idiot and admitting that he watches America’s Next Top Model? Arin isn’t laughing anymore, instead just looking surprised and defeated, but he’s not even mad because that was sort of impressive. Not the parts where he dissed Mormons and whined about crusty lips but the fact that even after that huge mess, Ross is still getting a number written on his hand in blue pen. So it wasn’t a total wreck after all- the train is back on track.

They decide to give the two a little time to talk that isn’t totally chaperoned while they throw away their empty cups, collect their things. But they can’t stay away for long because this is interesting, dammit, like watching a feral Ross in the wild adapting to the ways of the boy species. Things are still weird when Kevin walks over to the two still talking at the counter, Jack and Arin not far behind.

“...making sure that you wouldn’t try to make me have weird phone sex with you if the opportunity came up.”

“Nope, I’m not really into that, I guess, but I would make sure you were comfortable with it first anyway, y’know? I won’t force you into weird, kinky phone sex, though, promise.” Barry gives Ross a really sweet smile and the other boy practically just _melts_ on the spot in response. No one ever really has been able to have this much of an effect on Ross, maybe not even Dan, and it’s kind of scary to see, but fascinating at the same time.

Kevin speaks up about having to get Ross home before he misses another rerun season of his favorite show, which makes everyone laugh. But even though he wasn’t even joking, he’s more so getting Ross out of the coffee shop before his developing school-girl crush causes him to have a heart attack before the first date. Seriously, those heart eyes of his are verging on crazed.

Just before they manage to shove Ross back out to the rest of the mall, though, he’s turning to Barry, startling the boy a little as he’s pulled from wiping down tables.

“Wait, I just have one more thing- what’s your favorite color?”

“Purple.” Barry grins, shaking his head because it’s a weird question but it’s random and quirky and _cute_. He likes cute. But maybe not as much as Ross loves the fact that he didn’t answer with white.

\--

Two months isn’t a lot of time. Except it is for Ross, who usually dates around for a week or two, or just casually fucks here and there. For him, two months is like a whole _lifetime_ , or at least something close to it. Surprisingly, two months into their spontaneous and unexpected relationship, Ross is still holding onto Barry, and it doesn’t seem like he’ll find anything to dump him for anytime soon. When Kevin told him those few months ago to tell his dates what he wanted and what he was looking for, he meant for Ross to discuss interests and hobbies, not rule out religions and explain that constant kissing was a requirement. However, that didn’t seem to be a problem with Barry, and they’re going strong, much stronger than Ross had thought he and Dan were, which is promising.

Barry’s pretty much always with the four of them now, but it feels natural, like he’s meant to be there. He’s one of them, not just “Ross’s coffee shop boyfriend.” Kevin doesn’t like to brag, has never really mentioned that Ross has him to thank for everything he’s got going for him right now, but if he were one to boast, he’d totally rub this all in Jack and Arin’s faces. And mention that Ross owes him one, fucking big time.

“Hey, I almost forgot, Suzy left me a voicemail last night, she said she really liked hanging out with you and was wondering if I would set you two up again. It’s kinda stupid because she should’ve just asked you herself but, she’s a nerd and she’s shy. You up for it?”

The boys all start grinning and pointing at the way Arin blushes at the girl’s name, and he nods his head all nonchalant like he couldn’t even care less, but really, he’s not fooling them. He’s definitely screaming on the inside.

“Yeah, okay, cool. I-I’ll text her, or something, let her know.”

None of them ever think about the future too in depth, because they’re into living in the moment and not worrying about what might be on the road ahead of them. But if they could take a look at what’s to come, they’d see Jack finally dating his dentist after months of putting off asking her out (and after taking actual relationship advice from _Ross_ , though he’d profusely deny it.) They’d also see Kevin landing a full-time job at the daycare center and working with kids just like he’s been really wanting to, and Suzy and Arin still going strong after almost a year, no cheesecake ever needed. Everyone would probably all flip ship if they were to find out that just a few short years later, Ross, the master of failed relationships, was to get _engaged_ to a guy that actually treats him right and is totally in love with every part of him, no matter how insane and unpredictable he may be. They’re cool with living in the moment for now, yeah, but the future holds a ton in store for them as well.


End file.
